cleanliness is next to godliness
by kyleisgod
Summary: South Park High's favorite sex spot is in danger of being ruined. The boys, and Wendy, must make amends for past wrongdoings before it's too late. Multiple pairs, het and gay, and another SP fanfic cliche is under attack!


Author Notes: I attempted to keep this story as South Parkian in its humor as possible while still giving readers the het and slash love the majority of you seem to enjoy. In this oneshot I'm once again poking fun at a common SP fanfic cliché – one I myself have even been guilty of writing. I left some pairings up to the imagination of the reader since I couldn't find a way to work everyone in and I didn't want to possibly leave anyone out. Lastly, don't let the OC in this story fool you. My OC's don't suck; nor do they wrongfully dominate what's supposed to be a fanfiction story. Read and review!

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park.

Kevin Jones extinguished his morning cigarette underneath his shoe. The sun was bright today; allowing Kevin's elderly eyes to see the full beauty of the mountain town surrounding him. "It's going to be a good day," Kevin told himself out loud. With his daily smoke finished Kevin removed a large ring of keys from his pocket and unlocked the front doors to South Park High School. He headed inside and walked the empty hallways. He warmly greeted the few faculty members he passed by who were in their respective classrooms or the teacher's longue also preparing to start their days.

Kevin reached his personal closet and paused. A shudder ran up his spine as he remembered the last time he'd opened the door and the horrifying image he saw. Kevin told himself that the unfortunate incident was on Friday. A whole weekend had passed and today was another day. Granted there had been other isolated incidents before Friday, but now that the guilty parties had been identified the problem would surely stop, right? Right. Kevin placed a key into the door's lock and willed himself to open the door. It slowly creaked forward and revealed…

…Nothing.

Kevin sighed in relief. 'It's going to be a good day," he repeated, gathering up his work supplies.

Kevin's first stop was the boy's bathroom. It had been cleaned Friday after school hours, but a quick checkup never hurt. Replace the soap. Maybe put a few urinal cakes in the toilets. Simple little things like that. Kevin whistled a happy tune from his youth as he pushed open the heavy bathroom door.

Any hopes of having a good day were immediately dashed.

It was worse than Kevin had previously feared. It wasn't two boys this time; it was a whole _pack_ of naked teenagers! They were paired off having simultaneous sex, and worst of all, they weren't even having it in one designated area. Kyle Broflovski was seated on a toilet. He had Stan Marsh on his lap, the two pushing their tongues into each other's mouths as their hands stroked each other's hard cocks. A few feet away in another opened stall Butters Stotch was receiving a blowjob from a kneeled, masturbating Kenny McCormick. Opposite them Wendy Testaburger, the only female of the group, was pinned against a wall getting violated by Eric Cartman. Too caught up in their lust to notice the elderly man standing in the bathroom's doorway with his mouth agape, the teens continued about their sinful business. The sounds of moans, smacking skin and slurping wet lips reverberated across the room. How no one managed to hear such a ruckus was somewhat amazing. Almost in unison the boys moved away from their respective partners, pointing their dicks in all different directions as they pumped out their climaxes. To the janitor's horror cum shot out everywhere, staining the bathroom's floor, numerous walls, and even the countertop where the sinks were located. The closed toilet lids were also contaminated. Upon standing it was revealed that Butters and Kyle had semen on their legs and asses, apparently from a previous bathroom sex session before switching to their most recent partners.

Eric Cartman washed his hands following the orgy. God forbid he _catches_ something following group sex in a public bathroom. Cartman didn't cleanse himself in the sink he had personally defiled, but that didn't matter to poor Kevin Jones. Cartman looked into the mirror and was the first member of the group to finally spot their unwanted visitor through the reflection. "Oh, crap…." Cartman said. "Uh, you guys? Problem! _Big_ problem!"

The still-recovering teenagers turned their tired heads Eric's way. A shocked group gasp was heard, quickly followed by each sex participant covering their intimate parts and scrambling to locate their removed clothing. Fingers of blame were pointed - mostly by Cartman. Excuses and apologies were issued. Wendy expressed concern about her academic career and future political plans being ruined. Kyle and Butters expressed fearful certainty that their parents would, quite possibly literally, kill them over this. Kevin Jones cut them all off by posing a very simple question.

"Why?" the gray-haired janitor asked. His voice was sad. Hurt. Tears began to stream down his withered face; his body visibly shaking. The gang looked back and forth between one another. No one seemed to have an answer for the poor old man.

"Be…Because it's fun?" Stan said quietly.

"_No_!" Kevin said, his tone growing increasingly exasperated. "Not 'Why do you have sex with each other?'! Why do you do it _here_? I mean, for God's sake, this is a _bathroom_ you're desecrating, people! It's bad enough that someone could easily walk in here at any time and catch you, but did it never occur to _any_ of you, _ever_, that someone has to _clean_ this place? It's bad enough cleaning a normal bathroom, but _this_ kind of filth? I'm so _sick_ of this! Do you know that I find jizz in here at least twice a month now and in my supply closet? Every day I come here just wanting to do my job to support my family, and almost every day I have to worry about finding someone's _spooge_! I don't know if it's infected with a disease. I don't know if it's part of some crime I'll be linked with. I have to worry about these things _every_ _time_ I come to work now because of little deviants like you! My God in Heaven, what were you kids _thinking_?" Kevin openly wept once more; his sad sobs now the only sounds filling the entire school.

"I guess we weren't." Kyle admitted, his answer coated with guilt and embarrassment.

"We're really sorry, sir." Stan added.

Kevin sniffled. "Sorry isn't good enough."

"_Please_ don't tell on us, Mister. I'll be grounded forever!" Butters added, whining slightly.

Kevin hurled his trusty giant key ring across the bathroom. It struck Kenny in the head and presumably killed him instantly. But Kevin Jones wouldn't be cleaning up the bloodshed. Not today. Not ever again.

"Do whatever you want. I quit. You hear me? I QUIT!"

The janitor stormed off, leaving the teenagers and all their sexual fluids behind. The living members of the group finished dressing. Everyone was too ashamed to bother exchanging a word or a look between each other. Stan broke the silence first; naturally falling into his role as the leader of the boys' pack.

"We _have_ to make this up to him you guys."

"How?" Wendy asked. "There's a lot to make up for. And frankly, _you_ guys have a lot more making up to do than me! You do this stuff _way _more often."

"Ho this is no time for arguing." Cartman said. "Don't you all realize what's going to happen here if we don't put a stop to this?"

Everyone blinked; awaiting Cartman's answer.

"People will start to ask questions. 'Why'd the old man quit?' The school will want answers. They'll hire a new janitor. Probably a Mexican. They'll put security cameras in the bathrooms. Locks on the doors. And none of us will be able to fuck inside school again!"

Stan frowned. "He's right. Old man Jones never told on us when he found our spooge all those times. He was too upbeat for that. He just cleaned it up and hoped that tomorrow would be better. Now that he's quitting, the next guy will rat us out for sure. They could even figure out whose spunk it is like on _CSI_."

"Oh no!" Butters exclaimed.

"Dude, we _can't_ let him quit." Kyle agreed.

"Come on, let's figure out a plan before class starts." Stan said, huddling the group together for the second time this morning.

Even though he'd abruptly quit his job, Kevin couldn't return home right away. He had errands to run for his family. Groceries were purchased and the children were picked up from school. As Kevin pulled into the driveway, he noticed through the home's windows that many lights had been left on. He sighed, exiting the vehicle. "I told your mother about wasting electricity…." Kevin and the Jones children gathered up the various grocery bags and moved for the front door. Kevin placed his house key into the lock and began to turn it.

"That's it you guys. Just like that…." Stan said.

Kevin recognized the familiar voice behind the door from this morning. His face paled. He dropped some grocery bags. "Oh no…."

"What's wrong, daddy?" one child asked.

Kevin's mind raced. Were those damn high school kids now daring to screw inside his home? Were they trying to intimidate him because of the incriminating evidence he had on them? What about his wife? What if she was in danger? Kevin didn't want his children exposed to filth or danger. "Wait here, kids!" he ordered. Very slowly, Kevin turned the knob and opened the door. He shoved the door open and put his hands up, preparing to defend himself if need be.

Inside the house, the boys and Wendy were cleaning. A banner hung from the ceiling which simply read _Thank You_. Mrs. Jones was seated on the couch, letting the teenagers do all the household chores for her. She smiled widely at her husband. "Kevin, look what these nice kids did."

Kevin was relieved. A smile crept across his face; happy that he and his family were safe. He looked around the living room. Each student really was making the house sparkle. Each was doing the work Kevin did every day. Only they weren't being paid a dime for it. Truly, this hard work, this show of respect, was what the old janitor had been looking for all along.

"Thank you." He said humbly.

"Thank _you_, dude," Stan replied.

"Sir? Will you come back to school? Please?" Kyle asked.

Kevin sighed. "I don't know. Are you kids going to stop…" Being mindful of his wife's Christian ears, Kevin chose to watch his language. "…Uh, are you going to stop…doing what you do in the bathroom?"

"Fuck no!" Cartman replied, not at all concerned with Mrs. Jones' ears. "But, we _do_ have a proposition for you."

"A proposition?"

"You see, we've learned something today." Stan said. "Janitors work really hard for no money and no appreciation from most people. Well from now on, we're going to start appreciating you. And we want you to earn what you deserve."

"That's nice of you kids, but the school won't give me a raise. I've asked plenty of times."

Wendy smiled. "It won't come from the school. It'll come from us. And all the others like us."

"Sit down, Mister Jones." Cartman said. "Let's talk business."

The line to enter the freshly-cleaned boy's bathroom stretched almost down the entire length of the hallway. The line was mostly comprised of smiling boys. Cartman, Stan, Kyle and Kenny were at the front, pooling their dollars together before handing them over to Kevin, who was guarding the door.

"Forty bucks for an hour. Come one, come all!" the janitor announced.

The other boys in line began to gather up their dollar bills, making the old man smile brightly. Using the school bathrooms for the equivalent of a sleazy motel may not have been moral; but it paid better than the school did some days, and that was the true crime as far as the janitor and his new clients were concerned. Kevin Jones could handle a little sex cleanup for such a large bonus. Truly, the old man had finally won some respect.

The End


End file.
